Ambassadors

"Who am I?" Everyone has asked themselves this question, but I "who are you?" to "whose are you?"

I remember staring in the mirror and asking myself this question at the age of 12 after I was exposed to a sin that would be rooted in my life for years to come. I felt disconnected with reality and so disconnected with myself. I faced the mirror and would bawl, feeling so ugly wondering "Why am I here? What purpose do I have?"

Feelings of loneliness, fear, and abandonment were some of the loudest feelings in my life. Most of it was self-inflicted, choosing habitual sin. Other times, it was handed to me by the world and my circumstances.

Despite having friends and being in community, I felt lonely. "Show me your friends and I will show you your future." A mentor once spoke this on a Wednesday night. I chose not to believe him at the time. How could the people I find joy in become a dictator of my future?

"I love them. He doesn't know what he is talking about." I would tell myself. "I know who I am." I proclaimed that I was a person who had pride in himself, who chose to stand up, an underdog, someone who needs no one else. I was convinced that only I could control my future, not those I surrounded myself with. It didn't matter what they consumed, what they talked about, it didn't have to be me.

But I still couldn't look in the mirror and answer that simple question "Who Am I?" without anxiety rushing over me. Trying to become the main character who gets all the glory left me empty. My movie-mentality to life was taking a toll, leaving me feeling empty and wandering.

I found myself sitting on my couch after successfully living a day of doing nothing but numbing out. But this day was not unlike most, until I have the feeling that I haven't felt in my years.

Panic. The overwhelming sensation of doubt. I look at my hand and simple lie creeps through my brain "What if you aren't real?" I jolt up. Then another lie flashes through "You are not enough." My ears perk. "You are a screw up. You know what you have done. You know what you have been hiding. You are a liar. You deserve to sit in your head. You deserve to have nothing. How are you still alive? This world you are viewing is a lie. You see your hand, are you really feeling it? Who are you?"

All these questions wash over me in an instant. I get up from the couch and begin walking to the bathroom feeling like I have to throw up, thinking purging was going to be the thing to settle the crippling panic. But in a moment after turning the corner towards the bathroom, everything stopped. I see my wife of 2 years washing our 1 year old child. For some reason, I am stopped in my tracks.

In that moment, I saw myself as I was: a 25 year old man that has shielded so many parts of himself to protect himself from being hurt by anyone or anything. A man who believed he was best off alone. A man who chose to lie and sit in addiction. Here he is, halted by a person he had been ignoring for the past 4 years of his life. The moment that forever changed the tides of his life was my first cry to my wife. "Who Am I? I need your help."

A panic attack. Something I have never dealt with in many years. Was the catalyst to pave the way